ALWAYS AND FOREVER
"There's no forever. Forever is a lie", that's what I conclude sadly. If my best friend of eight long years could have betrayed me and my parents believed in all that she said, then this proves beyond doubt that everything is a lie. Life is just a myth and now I am tired of living in this myth. Today I deactivated my facebook account because now I want to cut all the worldly strings that hold me so that when the time comes to bid goodbye, there shall be no tears, no fears and no guilt. I am not leaving anytime soon - there's work to do, I have to complete my second novel and make sure that it reaches a good publisher and I have to clear the UPSC in 2018 - I owe it to my parents who have left no stone unturned in catering to my wants and also I owe it to my friend who gave me a second coming and the confidence that I can still do it. So yeah, even though I have to drink in the poison of pain for one more year, I shall do it so that, at the end I have no regrets.
At twenty-six I have been broken time and again and now I know I have nothing to live for. The zeal and enthusiasm with which I returned to the Capital city two years back is gone and after all that happened on 6th of January 2017, I will never be the same person again. Only these two strings are holding me back and as soon as the task is accomplished, I shall happily depart for where I belong. And I am writing all this here because, in case something happens before I am able to reach my goal, my blog will be testimony to my struggles, the saga of pain and betrayal, sorrow and suffering that I have valiantly braved.
Mom, Dad, I know I have never been able to live up to your expectations, I could never become the perfect daughter of perfect parents and I sincerely regret that. But I do hope that before I depart, I shall make you both proud of your only daughter by clearing this exam and that shall be my salvation. I can't say that I still love you as much as I did in the past but yeah, despite all that has gone wrong between us, despite all those misunderstandings, I still respect you both and I am trying my best to fulfill your dreams, even if they come at the cost of my happiness and my life. So that when I do depart from a world where I have never belonged, I will do so with a profound sense of satisfaction. I don't know whether you trust me or not, because if you had trusted me in the first place, today I wouldn't be so broken, but then I just want to assure you that I am trying my best, my hardest to do justice to all your efforts for me.
Moving on, yeah the story of my life is a tragic one, the journey that I have undertaken has given me many wounds that will perhaps never heal completely but then I have long since accepted the fact that I am beautifully broken. I have been a survivor of all odds and valiantly walked the tightrope between illusion and reality and when I look at myself in the mirror, I know that though my eyes have lost their sparkle, I am proud of who I am. I am not living any more, because there's nothing more to live for, I am just battling against time to prove myself before the world that has grossly wronged me in many cold calculated ways. As my story unfolds bit by bit in my next few posts, anyone who reads them will be chilled to the bone. But then, today I am at a point where there is no looking back. I have to go on and in a year's time I shall know how things will end. We all have to leave one day, but the point is, how we leave - is it with regrets or with satisfaction? And I don't want to leave with any regrets.
I doubt if anyone understands the depth of my trauma but perhaps it is wrong or me to expect people to understand me. If I understand others and put them before myself as a priority, that doesn't mean everyone has to be that selfless. The point hit me hard today when Akshat told me, "I can't be there for you always ". Yes I have been really hurt by what he said but then, I don't have any right over anyone. It's my life and I have to endure all hardships by myself, even if one day it costs me my life. I can't expect help from anyone. No, I agree he is right and I am wrong. I haven't ever taken anyone for granted but somehow people always tend to take me for granted. And time and again this makes me realize that I was never meant for this world, a world which can never truly understand me. I told so many things to Akshat today, hoping that he would understand but I don't know how seriously he took me. That makes me realize that I am losing even those last few strings of hope I have managed to hold on to. He said he is there for me, but I know he has his own life and priorities and I probably don't even figure at the bottom of his list. Yeah it hurts, but then pain has been my constant companion and I shall willingly drink in every drop of the poison of pain till the very end. I don't blame anyone for anything, I have no hard feelings for anyone except those few people who have grossly wronged me and broken me and I sincerely hope that I shall live to see the day when Karma gets back to them for their deeds.
But at this moment, the tears don't stop, tears that had dried up some time back have resurfaced again when I realize that I am all alone in this battle of life. But then that's the irony of life. It has to go on like that. I can't commit for a future because I don't know how much more I shall be able to tolerate and keep the show going. But somehow, today it hurts a lot. I miss my Lana a lot and I really wish she was here to have wiped away my tears. No Akshat, don't worry, even if I consider you my best friend, or rather the only person I can blindly trust, no matter how much it hurts, I shall never interfere in your life. I know you don't read my blog, so it's easier to write it down here, because I had to express my feelings somehow and I could never have done it before you.
Anyways, that's all for today. Since I am no longer writing on Facebook, I shall write my thoughts here, because my passion for writing is what keeps me sane, alive and going. I live alone, trapped in a meaningless existence with no future to look forward to buy all the same, I live to fulfill the dreams of my parents and the guy I consider as my best friend. I have never wanted fame or power, all I want is peace.
There's no forever, I know that.
Signing off,
Samrudhi
At twenty-six I have been broken time and again and now I know I have nothing to live for. The zeal and enthusiasm with which I returned to the Capital city two years back is gone and after all that happened on 6th of January 2017, I will never be the same person again. Only these two strings are holding me back and as soon as the task is accomplished, I shall happily depart for where I belong. And I am writing all this here because, in case something happens before I am able to reach my goal, my blog will be testimony to my struggles, the saga of pain and betrayal, sorrow and suffering that I have valiantly braved.
Mom, Dad, I know I have never been able to live up to your expectations, I could never become the perfect daughter of perfect parents and I sincerely regret that. But I do hope that before I depart, I shall make you both proud of your only daughter by clearing this exam and that shall be my salvation. I can't say that I still love you as much as I did in the past but yeah, despite all that has gone wrong between us, despite all those misunderstandings, I still respect you both and I am trying my best to fulfill your dreams, even if they come at the cost of my happiness and my life. So that when I do depart from a world where I have never belonged, I will do so with a profound sense of satisfaction. I don't know whether you trust me or not, because if you had trusted me in the first place, today I wouldn't be so broken, but then I just want to assure you that I am trying my best, my hardest to do justice to all your efforts for me.
Moving on, yeah the story of my life is a tragic one, the journey that I have undertaken has given me many wounds that will perhaps never heal completely but then I have long since accepted the fact that I am beautifully broken. I have been a survivor of all odds and valiantly walked the tightrope between illusion and reality and when I look at myself in the mirror, I know that though my eyes have lost their sparkle, I am proud of who I am. I am not living any more, because there's nothing more to live for, I am just battling against time to prove myself before the world that has grossly wronged me in many cold calculated ways. As my story unfolds bit by bit in my next few posts, anyone who reads them will be chilled to the bone. But then, today I am at a point where there is no looking back. I have to go on and in a year's time I shall know how things will end. We all have to leave one day, but the point is, how we leave - is it with regrets or with satisfaction? And I don't want to leave with any regrets.
I doubt if anyone understands the depth of my trauma but perhaps it is wrong or me to expect people to understand me. If I understand others and put them before myself as a priority, that doesn't mean everyone has to be that selfless. The point hit me hard today when Akshat told me, "I can't be there for you always ". Yes I have been really hurt by what he said but then, I don't have any right over anyone. It's my life and I have to endure all hardships by myself, even if one day it costs me my life. I can't expect help from anyone. No, I agree he is right and I am wrong. I haven't ever taken anyone for granted but somehow people always tend to take me for granted. And time and again this makes me realize that I was never meant for this world, a world which can never truly understand me. I told so many things to Akshat today, hoping that he would understand but I don't know how seriously he took me. That makes me realize that I am losing even those last few strings of hope I have managed to hold on to. He said he is there for me, but I know he has his own life and priorities and I probably don't even figure at the bottom of his list. Yeah it hurts, but then pain has been my constant companion and I shall willingly drink in every drop of the poison of pain till the very end. I don't blame anyone for anything, I have no hard feelings for anyone except those few people who have grossly wronged me and broken me and I sincerely hope that I shall live to see the day when Karma gets back to them for their deeds.
But at this moment, the tears don't stop, tears that had dried up some time back have resurfaced again when I realize that I am all alone in this battle of life. But then that's the irony of life. It has to go on like that. I can't commit for a future because I don't know how much more I shall be able to tolerate and keep the show going. But somehow, today it hurts a lot. I miss my Lana a lot and I really wish she was here to have wiped away my tears. No Akshat, don't worry, even if I consider you my best friend, or rather the only person I can blindly trust, no matter how much it hurts, I shall never interfere in your life. I know you don't read my blog, so it's easier to write it down here, because I had to express my feelings somehow and I could never have done it before you.
Anyways, that's all for today. Since I am no longer writing on Facebook, I shall write my thoughts here, because my passion for writing is what keeps me sane, alive and going. I live alone, trapped in a meaningless existence with no future to look forward to buy all the same, I live to fulfill the dreams of my parents and the guy I consider as my best friend. I have never wanted fame or power, all I want is peace.
There's no forever, I know that.
Signing off,
Samrudhi
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