BECAUSE GOD FAILS FOOLISH PEOPLE

Yes, it hurts and the screams in my head are killing me, making me insane. I want to let go, to die but why, why am I forced to live a meaningless life full of pain and betrayal, in a world where no one understands me? Why? God I have trusted you through all my tough times in the last twenty-five long years, but then why have you always forsaken me? Why is it that I am the dumping bag for everyone and everybody? Why do people take me for granted? Is it because I go out of the way to help or care for others?  God please, I beg of you - release me. I don't have the will to live anymore nor the audacity to fight the odds every single hour of my life. Yes, today for the first time in my life I am asking you - if you decided that one of us would be released and the other would live to suffer, then why did you choose to release Lana and leave me alone to rot in this living hell?  Why, was it because you loved her more than you loved me?

     Today wherever I go, I meet dead ends. I can't talk about all this at home because then my parents won't let me come back to Delhi. But then how do you expect me to manage all of this alone? I openly declare before you that yes I quit. If you have even a little bit of ethics and sympathy left in you, you will do something; and I know very well that you can do something. Please, I beg before you - I have suffered enough. Do something, help me, release me from this growing agony. I am ready for anything, any kind of death no matter how painful it may be, any disease, even cancer will do - yes, you heard me right- but release me from these worldly manacles. I feel trapped, choked, suffocated, unable to breathe.

Kill me, damn it!  Kill me! Why are you so bothered about my parents' reactions of I die? You were not bothered when you took away Lana from us because that time you could use me as a cushioning bag. How ironical! But now I refuse to be anyone's cushion. As far as I know, I have always tried to live up to their expectations and yet they don't trust me and neither are they proud of me. I don't have a place called home. Their presence, that city, the house, it all frightens me. I feel caged. Why do you always have to wrong the good people on earth? Why? I HATE life. I HATE myself. But my only fault is that I can't hate others. Is that the reason I am paying for it in this way? Answer me, my Lord. You don't have the right to keep quiet anymore. You have to come to my rescue. I am stranded, struggling with life. Please, again and again I beg of you, have mercy on me.
      I don't want answers to my questions, I don't want to punish those who have wronged me. I don't have any more dreams. There's nothing more left in me, no hope nothing. For heaven's sake, release me. If you deem me a sinner, then send me to Dante's last circle of Hell. I am ready to rot there till time immemorial but not here anymore. Please understand that I can't fight alone anymore. I simply can't. I want to let go and it's my personal choice. Don't make me a victim every single day of my life. Please. How much more do you want to break the broken? If you have to give me pain, then I am ready for any amount of physical pain but not this emotional turmoil anymore. I am sorry if I am failing you, but I just can't help it. It's not possible to accept this existence anymore.

      In a world where friendship is forsaken for a relationship, I don't want to be part of such a world. I don't have any intention of being a masterpiece and neither will I ever be one. So release me. Answer my prayers; you can't remain deaf to me for all the time. It's high time you did something. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break down in someone's arms. But I can't handle all this alone. God please, please, please do something - whatever you can to get me out of this Hell. I can't absorb everything always, I am at breaking point now. Please find a way out for me. Please, I beg of you.
Yours,
A tired broken soul