THE STRINGS ARE SLIPPING
Yes, I know that life will never be the same again. Every passing day is one of growing agony and I wonder what I could do to keep fighting the losing battle against time. I have promised myself, no matter how hard it becomes for me, I shall willingly drink in the poison of pain and loneliness without dragging anyone else into my problems. That desire to be celebrated, the passion to achieve something has long long disappeared by the atrocities inflicted by this world upon me. But now, I have accepted everything without question. And every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up is pray that let today be the day when Mr. Death comes for me. Yes I seriously do that because the satisfaction that the designated end is sure to come for all of us, one day or the other, sooner or later, is one that keeps me alive and going and is my ultimate solace, while I patiently await the end. Yesterday I burned away a few pictures which have no place in my life anymore and I derived a strange sense of satisfaction in seeing the flames lick the faces, wiping them into oblivion.
I know Mom told me that I should try to forget the past and move on, but that is something that I can do with relationships, not with a friendship of eight long years that gave me nothing other than betrayal. And if I actually hate anyone from the bottom of my heart, it is this guy, my cousin brother who physically abused me and those two callous doctors who gave me powerful sedatives without even doing a simple blood test to ascertain the truth.
There was a time, a little over a year and half ago, when I loved to dress up, go shopping and have fun. I never cared whether there was anyone to accompany me; I just did it because of my extraordinary love of life. Often people at my old coaching institution "Vajiram and Ravi" used to ask me, "How do you manage to remain so fresh and smiling? "They asked because even in a crowd of the most serious gloomy faces, my cheerful good morning wish would raise all spirits. That was the time of my life which I actually cherished and I loved being myself, being alive - a young innocent girl happy in her own ignorance of the brutality of this world. But destiny was quick enough to show me the reality check. I had my first breakup and with it began an unending Saga of pain and betrayal. As if things messed up at home were not enough that now my life in Delhi too was cursed. I was stranded in a sea of familiar, yet unfamiliar faces and at that point I realized that slowly I was falling apart. Today when I look back, I wonder what was that strength in me that kept me alive through all those months of turmoil!
If such is the case, then I am really sorry, I can no longer keep slogging endlessly for people who don't even care. I know that I don't have a future, that I don't have long to live - at best it is two years, clearing UPSC, getting my revenge, telling the world my story and then leaving, saying goodbye forever. And who knows, it might be sooner than that too. You never know the quirks of fate.
Don't think that I am demented or that I have a destructive frame of mind, but somehow I believe someone whom I stood up for, since the last eight years and yet she was the one to betray me, that leaves no room for mercy.
I know Mom told me that I should try to forget the past and move on, but that is something that I can do with relationships, not with a friendship of eight long years that gave me nothing other than betrayal. And if I actually hate anyone from the bottom of my heart, it is this guy, my cousin brother who physically abused me and those two callous doctors who gave me powerful sedatives without even doing a simple blood test to ascertain the truth.
And trust me, the feeling of being victimized with no fault of yours and not even being given a chance to defend yourself is probably the worst feeling in the world.
Destiny has never been kind to me. I have always lost people whom I have loved, beginning with my little sister when she was only three, then my two best friends at school because they were jealous of my scores, my best friend at college Suu, because I was always the topper... the list is an endless one. And each time this happens, I feel more and more hurt because I have done a lot for them, accepted them as part of my family and welcomed them even at the cost of my own comfort. So when you lose someone you have loved, helped and protected all along, it actually breaks your heart little by little. And this time what happened in January, well that has no parallel.
I try to keep myself engaged in studies, in books but then I feel completely lost; none of it makes sense anymore. I feel I am better off at Patel Nagar, all alone, crying to myself to sleep, with no one to bother whether I eat or starve and no one to interfere either. I loathe going out on to the streets because now that I know it is this very world that has tactically broken me, I can no longer walk the streets with my head held high. I simply feel I am a misfit, nothing less.
There was a time, a little over a year and half ago, when I loved to dress up, go shopping and have fun. I never cared whether there was anyone to accompany me; I just did it because of my extraordinary love of life. Often people at my old coaching institution "Vajiram and Ravi" used to ask me, "How do you manage to remain so fresh and smiling? "They asked because even in a crowd of the most serious gloomy faces, my cheerful good morning wish would raise all spirits. That was the time of my life which I actually cherished and I loved being myself, being alive - a young innocent girl happy in her own ignorance of the brutality of this world. But destiny was quick enough to show me the reality check. I had my first breakup and with it began an unending Saga of pain and betrayal. As if things messed up at home were not enough that now my life in Delhi too was cursed. I was stranded in a sea of familiar, yet unfamiliar faces and at that point I realized that slowly I was falling apart. Today when I look back, I wonder what was that strength in me that kept me alive through all those months of turmoil!
And after what happened in January 2017, the place I return to is no longer a place I can call home; it is just a perfunctory gesture which I have to do because otherwise my parents Won't Leave me alone. But each time I go home after that incident, there's a gnawing insecurity within me that threatens to rip me apart. Dad's anger is like a dormant volcano that can erupt at any moment without any specific reason, and unfortunately, Mom, instead of supporting me, supports him. I know I have no one to truly understand me, let alone care for me or listen to me. When I have made my friends and close ones my priority, often going out of my way to get gifts for them or trying to help them out, they don't even give back a spoonful of reciprocation, let alone a complete one and trust me it hurts a lot.
Why is it that I always have to text Chinu, my soul sister or Akshat, my best friend first and only then if they get time they reply? Why is it always me who has to set aside all self-respect and take the first step without them realizing the value of it? Today I ask the Almighty, just because I keep doing it despite the hurt and the pain, you too have taken it for granted that I should keep doing it?
But then today I have decided, and I shall remain firm in this decision - I am knowingly, in a cold calculated manner cutting strings because I don't want to build any new ties and suffer more in life. Perhaps a day will come, when from the Heavens above, I shall see my parents, my relatives and my friends mourning me and the way they have wronged an innocent girl like me, and that shall be my victory.
But what bothers me more is that the last few strings that I am actually holding on to (because being human I too need people in my life) are slipping. Oh God Almighty, I beg before you not to do this to me because if you want me to live the last two years of a mangled life in a slightly sorted manner, then I need those bonds. If you take away the numbered few I can trust then it's better, I beg of you, take me home to you. Because now Samrudhi is too broken to sustain anymore. I want to live to clear UPSC but only till that and please help me do it. Please God, do something that my parents, my soul sister and my best friend Akshat understand the seriousness of the situation and be there with me till I reach my goal. After that I can bid goodbye without any regrets. Please God, since I have no one else to turn to, I stand before you, tears streaming down my cheeks, hoping for a miracle to happen. Please Almighty, show your omnipotence and help this young girl who has been forsaken by all. Please God, do something so that if not anyone else, at least Akshat understands. Because I have promised myself that I won't intrude into his life unless he asks me to and God you were the one who brought him in my life, made him my best friend. Did you do this only to break our friendship and force me into leaving that last string I am holding on to? Please no, please don't do that. I am terribly alone and now only you can do something about it. Otherwise you know well enough that in desperation, I can even go to the Devil to ask for release. And my sincere humble request to you is don't break my twenty-six years of trust in you. I hope by the end of the day, you shall bring better tidings in my life.
Hoping for the best,
Still holding on to the final strings,
Samrudhi
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