WHY IS EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED?
Dear God,
Today I have a question for you. Yes, for you. If you truly exist, actually rule the world to maintain a dignified balance between good and evil, then why, why have you forsaken this innocent child of yours? I want to know in which way have I wronged someone or hurt somebody that my life is nothing short of constant agony. Why, if you can make miracles happen, have you been a mute spectator of all that I have endured in the last thirteen years? Wasn't all that I had gone through enough, that in early January this year, you hit the last nail on the coffin?
I have never demanded anything big from you. All I have always asked for is a little love and peace and in my prayers my family and friends have always come first. Is it my fault that I cannot be selfish like the world out there and I always make others' happiness my priority at the cost of my own? But then, if being a "modern" God, you think that's wrong, then there's nothing I shall be able to do about it, because that's just how I am; that's the very way you yourself created me, your heavenly child.
But now it's high time even you understood that no matter how hard I try, one day I too will succumb to all these atrocities that I have been constantly facing. There's no one to understand me or hold my hand in times of distress, let alone my parents or best friends. Being the only daughter, I have become the punching bag of their frustrations and a silent slave of their dreams. Agreed they pay for my education in Delhi and try supporting me financially in the best possible manner and I am thankful that because of this, despite their hidden intentions (which I can now clearly see) I at least have a life of my own, no matter how monotonous or chaotic that life has been. But then I am really sorry - I admit it might be my failing - but I can no longer call that place home after the cold, calculated torture inflicted upon me on the basis of just a fake phone call. I can never as long as I live, forgive them for what they did and even if they do a thousand good deeds to wipe away their sins (which of course they will never do), their sins have no penitence. At least for me, I will never have even an ounce of love left in my heart for them.
You may accuse me of being a narcissist, but that's what the world has made me. In return for all my love, respect, time, money and sacrifices for others - family, friends, acquaintances - what have I received except pain and betrayal? And you still want me to go on in sipte of these profusely bleeding wounds even time can never heal? Just because I have always been doing it, forever braved the odds, that doesn't in any way mean that I shall be able to keep doing it endlessly. And why, what is the justification of this selflessness? Give me one good reason to do it and I shall continue to do so for the rest of my life. But I know you will just remain as mute as ever, the way you have seen me tortured for thirteen long years and yet never brought any change in my life. And today I have the audacity to accept even that without question.
Just name one person who actually cares for me, understanding the depth of pain and agony I undergo each moment of being alive. You can't, because when my own Mom doesn't have time for that, what should I expect from others? And besides, you always have the habit of bring people into my life with whom I become really close and at the zenith of our relationship, you destroy everything, as the other person walks away, leaving me stranded. It's the third day today and Akshat hasn't sent me even a single Whatsapp text, asking me whether I am fine or not. Doesn't he also know that I am under extreme stress, and still someone he met three months back has become a greater priority for him than some who knows him for almost seven months now and what's more important, he knows that I trust him and depend on him. This once more makes me painfully aware of the gross anomalies in human relationships in this super millennium. But then, I can never tell this to him, because he would just flare up in anger instead of trying to understand my viewpoint. And anyways, I will never go begging for help before anyone - be it my parents or my best friend.
Yes I admit I owe them my success and I am trying hard to live that moment too, so that when after fulfilling their ambitions, I finally depart for my heavenly abode, they will realize whom they have lost. Even if I clear UPSC, I will never give them the satisfaction of projecting me as a masterpiece of their perfect parenting. But then that day is way too far off to contemplate for now. The present is what's important and God I am seriously asking you, how long do you intend to make me suffer like this? I am not a human machine born to churn out degrees and accolades. I too deserve some happiness and a life of my own, to be a part of a world where I belong. If you can't do this for me, then please I request you, please take me to you, to my Lana who is waiting out there with open arms to embrace me and heal my scars with her soothing touch. Please.
But then another thing I possess the audacity to tell you, with all due respect is that, if you won't free me from my sufferings, I shall no longer hesitate to knock the doors of the Devil himself. Because I am assured, Hell would a place far better than this dystopia I am existing in. No matter what it costs me, when I reach the point where I have been goaded past endurance, I shall go to any extent to leave this world and then, even you can't stop me, I promise you that. All the same, for the last twenty-five years, I have had irresolute faith in divine designs and I still hope that since it's high time now, you will definitely intervene and make my life slightly better, easier and happier and restore my faith in humanity. Otherwise, left with no options, I shall have to design my own destiny, pronounce my final statement and bid goodbye, no matter what the cost is.
Yours
A broken heart and shattered soul...
Today I have a question for you. Yes, for you. If you truly exist, actually rule the world to maintain a dignified balance between good and evil, then why, why have you forsaken this innocent child of yours? I want to know in which way have I wronged someone or hurt somebody that my life is nothing short of constant agony. Why, if you can make miracles happen, have you been a mute spectator of all that I have endured in the last thirteen years? Wasn't all that I had gone through enough, that in early January this year, you hit the last nail on the coffin?
I have never demanded anything big from you. All I have always asked for is a little love and peace and in my prayers my family and friends have always come first. Is it my fault that I cannot be selfish like the world out there and I always make others' happiness my priority at the cost of my own? But then, if being a "modern" God, you think that's wrong, then there's nothing I shall be able to do about it, because that's just how I am; that's the very way you yourself created me, your heavenly child.
But now it's high time even you understood that no matter how hard I try, one day I too will succumb to all these atrocities that I have been constantly facing. There's no one to understand me or hold my hand in times of distress, let alone my parents or best friends. Being the only daughter, I have become the punching bag of their frustrations and a silent slave of their dreams. Agreed they pay for my education in Delhi and try supporting me financially in the best possible manner and I am thankful that because of this, despite their hidden intentions (which I can now clearly see) I at least have a life of my own, no matter how monotonous or chaotic that life has been. But then I am really sorry - I admit it might be my failing - but I can no longer call that place home after the cold, calculated torture inflicted upon me on the basis of just a fake phone call. I can never as long as I live, forgive them for what they did and even if they do a thousand good deeds to wipe away their sins (which of course they will never do), their sins have no penitence. At least for me, I will never have even an ounce of love left in my heart for them.
You may accuse me of being a narcissist, but that's what the world has made me. In return for all my love, respect, time, money and sacrifices for others - family, friends, acquaintances - what have I received except pain and betrayal? And you still want me to go on in sipte of these profusely bleeding wounds even time can never heal? Just because I have always been doing it, forever braved the odds, that doesn't in any way mean that I shall be able to keep doing it endlessly. And why, what is the justification of this selflessness? Give me one good reason to do it and I shall continue to do so for the rest of my life. But I know you will just remain as mute as ever, the way you have seen me tortured for thirteen long years and yet never brought any change in my life. And today I have the audacity to accept even that without question.
Just name one person who actually cares for me, understanding the depth of pain and agony I undergo each moment of being alive. You can't, because when my own Mom doesn't have time for that, what should I expect from others? And besides, you always have the habit of bring people into my life with whom I become really close and at the zenith of our relationship, you destroy everything, as the other person walks away, leaving me stranded. It's the third day today and Akshat hasn't sent me even a single Whatsapp text, asking me whether I am fine or not. Doesn't he also know that I am under extreme stress, and still someone he met three months back has become a greater priority for him than some who knows him for almost seven months now and what's more important, he knows that I trust him and depend on him. This once more makes me painfully aware of the gross anomalies in human relationships in this super millennium. But then, I can never tell this to him, because he would just flare up in anger instead of trying to understand my viewpoint. And anyways, I will never go begging for help before anyone - be it my parents or my best friend.
Yes I admit I owe them my success and I am trying hard to live that moment too, so that when after fulfilling their ambitions, I finally depart for my heavenly abode, they will realize whom they have lost. Even if I clear UPSC, I will never give them the satisfaction of projecting me as a masterpiece of their perfect parenting. But then that day is way too far off to contemplate for now. The present is what's important and God I am seriously asking you, how long do you intend to make me suffer like this? I am not a human machine born to churn out degrees and accolades. I too deserve some happiness and a life of my own, to be a part of a world where I belong. If you can't do this for me, then please I request you, please take me to you, to my Lana who is waiting out there with open arms to embrace me and heal my scars with her soothing touch. Please.
But then another thing I possess the audacity to tell you, with all due respect is that, if you won't free me from my sufferings, I shall no longer hesitate to knock the doors of the Devil himself. Because I am assured, Hell would a place far better than this dystopia I am existing in. No matter what it costs me, when I reach the point where I have been goaded past endurance, I shall go to any extent to leave this world and then, even you can't stop me, I promise you that. All the same, for the last twenty-five years, I have had irresolute faith in divine designs and I still hope that since it's high time now, you will definitely intervene and make my life slightly better, easier and happier and restore my faith in humanity. Otherwise, left with no options, I shall have to design my own destiny, pronounce my final statement and bid goodbye, no matter what the cost is.
Yours
A broken heart and shattered soul...
Comments
Post a Comment